The Last Throw of the Dice

I prayed as I drove. “Lord, this feels like my last chance. So much is at stake here. I’m either so wicked and hard-hearted that I simply can’t live the Christian life, or this is a new start for me. Please do whatever You need to do.”

This was the level of despair I had reached. Husband, father, qualified professional, sometime Christian leader, sometime successful preacher, sometime evangelist… and periodic porn addict for over 30 years. Only now I could see no future. If I really do anything brave for God again, I know it’ll come back. I’m not strong enough.

My real fear was that I was so wicked, that I just could not repent. I had sinned in this area so much that I was somehow past redemption. Am I an incurable addict? This was, to me, my last throw of the dice. I couldn’t think of anything else I could do after this.

I use the word addict on purpose. It was an occasional thing. Every few weeks I would lapse. And nothing I had tried seemed to solve it. It was definitely an addiction though – a compulsion rather than a mere temptation. I’m going to list what didn’t work. Then I’ll tell you what surprisingly did.


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