I asked some people if I could be accountable to them over this. I found out that you have to be careful here. Some people were embarrassed and simply couldn’t handle it, or didn’t want to know. But I did find someone. It helped. But it still didn’t solve the root issue! I would ask a friend to ask me occasionally how I was doing in this area. I would set up an accountability program showing which suspect websites I had visited.
The root issue was still there. I would still manage to find websites that bypassed the software. I would still let myself and my brother down. Now you know why I despaired over this. Maybe I’m just a very bad person who can never get over this.
All the way through this process I was dealing with surface issues. Chopping the top off a weed makes the garden clean again for a time, but the weed is still there because the root is still in the ground. The root of the problem had not been solved.
“Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up… Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain.
Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.
Mark 4:3-4, 7, 18-19
Was this me? Were the weeds of temptation going to take over eventually and choke me to death? How can I actually uproot the issue? Completely pull the weeds out by the root?
I despaired of ever finding an answer, but I kept praying.